12-15-2024, 05:29 AM
Kim Jong Un Turns Every North Korean Citizen into an NFT: Don’t Let a Family Get Exiled to the Solana Blockchain
In a move that combines blockchain buzzwords with good old-fashioned dictatorship, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un has unveiled his most groundbreaking initiative yet: turning every single citizen into an NFT. Dubbed "Mint for the Motherland," this program allows you to sponsor a North Korean family by purchasing their NFT—because apparently, human rights violations weren’t quite Web3 enough.
But there’s a catch: if you don’t buy their NFT, the family is banished to the Solana blockchain, a fate described by Pyongyang insiders as "cyber Siberia." According to state media, Kim called the project “the perfect marriage of oppressive innovation and JPEG ownership.”
How It Works: From Citizen to NFT
Every citizen has been painstakingly tokenized using North Korea's finest 1990s scanners and Windows XP desktops. Each NFT features the person's name, a family portrait, and an “authentic” government-approved rarity trait like “Loyal to Kim,” “Glorious Smile,” or the coveted “Kim Jong Un Haircut” badge.
For the low, low price of 1.5 Bitcoin (or the deed to your firstborn), buyers get exclusive ownership of a North Korean family, complete with perks like:
Solana: The Gulag of Blockchains
The stakes couldn’t be higher. Unsold NFTs are "generously exiled" to Solana, where slow transactions, frequent outages, and rock-bottom resale values await. Citizens banished to Solana face eternal humiliation, as their JPEGs get traded for meme tokens worth less than expired ramen noodles.
“Solana is worse than a re-education camp,” said one anonymous defector. “At least in a camp, you don’t have to worry about being delisted.”
The Money Laundering Allegations
Predictably, the initiative has drawn international criticism—not for the forced NFT-ification of an entire population, but because experts believe it’s just another North Korean money-laundering scheme. Blockchain analysts have flagged suspicious wallet activity, including several transactions involving Kim’s other crypto project, “Pyongyang Pump-and-Dump.”
The U.S. Department of Treasury released a scathing report accusing North Korea of laundering millions in stolen cryptocurrency through the sale of family NFTs. But when pressed about sanctions, an official simply shrugged and said, “We don’t care about JPEGs. Come back to us when they start selling PNGs.”
Global Response
Crypto bros and NFT collectors are torn. Some are eager to grab a piece of dystopian history, while others are skeptical. “I don’t condone this at all,” said one NFT influencer while casually adding a “Rare Kim’s Smile” NFT to his OpenSea cart.
Elon Musk weighed in, tweeting: “Is it immoral? Yes. Will I buy? Also yes.” He later posted a poll asking if North Korea should launch an “NFT rocket to Mars” or stick to their traditional ones.
Meanwhile, Solana itself has begged Kim to stop. “We’ve had enough issues without becoming the trash bin for your unsold JPEGs,” said a Solana spokesperson, adding, “Even we have standards—barely.”
What Happens If You Don’t Buy?
Kim Jong Un didn’t mince words during the program’s launch: “Failing to sell these NFTs will not only send families to Solana but will mark them as ‘Enemies of the Blockchain.’ Their metadata will be corrupted, their tokens will be burned, and their rice rations will be replaced with Ethereum gas fees.”
North Korean citizens were reportedly "ecstatic" about the program, though sources say this enthusiasm may have been motivated by the armed guards standing just off-camera.
The Future of Non-Fungible Tyranny
Kim remains optimistic. Future plans include a "Dear Leader DAO" where citizens can vote on government policies—provided every vote is a resounding “Yes, Supreme Leader!” There’s also talk of launching a “Stalin Swap” DEX and a "Pyongyang Punks" collection featuring pixel art versions of Kim in various “epic” poses.
Despite the controversy, one thing is certain: Kim has successfully redefined the intersection of oppression and innovation. So, if you’ve ever dreamed of owning a piece of dystopian history—or just want to keep a family off Solana—now’s your chance.
Act fast, because when it comes to NFTs, nothing’s rarer than freedom. #HODLTheKimDream
In a move that combines blockchain buzzwords with good old-fashioned dictatorship, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un has unveiled his most groundbreaking initiative yet: turning every single citizen into an NFT. Dubbed "Mint for the Motherland," this program allows you to sponsor a North Korean family by purchasing their NFT—because apparently, human rights violations weren’t quite Web3 enough.
But there’s a catch: if you don’t buy their NFT, the family is banished to the Solana blockchain, a fate described by Pyongyang insiders as "cyber Siberia." According to state media, Kim called the project “the perfect marriage of oppressive innovation and JPEG ownership.”
How It Works: From Citizen to NFT
Every citizen has been painstakingly tokenized using North Korea's finest 1990s scanners and Windows XP desktops. Each NFT features the person's name, a family portrait, and an “authentic” government-approved rarity trait like “Loyal to Kim,” “Glorious Smile,” or the coveted “Kim Jong Un Haircut” badge.
For the low, low price of 1.5 Bitcoin (or the deed to your firstborn), buyers get exclusive ownership of a North Korean family, complete with perks like:
- Quarterly Propaganda Updates: A pixelated video of your NFT family thanking you for "feeding their hopes and dreams," delivered with the enthusiasm of someone standing in front of a firing squad.
- VIP Access to Kim’s Metaverse: A surreal digital utopia where everyone is Kim Jong Un, Wi-Fi doesn’t exist, and NFTs are mandatory.
- "Not-Solana Assurance": Rest easy knowing your family won’t be sent to the dreaded Solana blockchain unless you rug-pull their token.
Solana: The Gulag of Blockchains
The stakes couldn’t be higher. Unsold NFTs are "generously exiled" to Solana, where slow transactions, frequent outages, and rock-bottom resale values await. Citizens banished to Solana face eternal humiliation, as their JPEGs get traded for meme tokens worth less than expired ramen noodles.
“Solana is worse than a re-education camp,” said one anonymous defector. “At least in a camp, you don’t have to worry about being delisted.”
The Money Laundering Allegations
Predictably, the initiative has drawn international criticism—not for the forced NFT-ification of an entire population, but because experts believe it’s just another North Korean money-laundering scheme. Blockchain analysts have flagged suspicious wallet activity, including several transactions involving Kim’s other crypto project, “Pyongyang Pump-and-Dump.”
The U.S. Department of Treasury released a scathing report accusing North Korea of laundering millions in stolen cryptocurrency through the sale of family NFTs. But when pressed about sanctions, an official simply shrugged and said, “We don’t care about JPEGs. Come back to us when they start selling PNGs.”
Global Response
Crypto bros and NFT collectors are torn. Some are eager to grab a piece of dystopian history, while others are skeptical. “I don’t condone this at all,” said one NFT influencer while casually adding a “Rare Kim’s Smile” NFT to his OpenSea cart.
Elon Musk weighed in, tweeting: “Is it immoral? Yes. Will I buy? Also yes.” He later posted a poll asking if North Korea should launch an “NFT rocket to Mars” or stick to their traditional ones.
Meanwhile, Solana itself has begged Kim to stop. “We’ve had enough issues without becoming the trash bin for your unsold JPEGs,” said a Solana spokesperson, adding, “Even we have standards—barely.”
What Happens If You Don’t Buy?
Kim Jong Un didn’t mince words during the program’s launch: “Failing to sell these NFTs will not only send families to Solana but will mark them as ‘Enemies of the Blockchain.’ Their metadata will be corrupted, their tokens will be burned, and their rice rations will be replaced with Ethereum gas fees.”
North Korean citizens were reportedly "ecstatic" about the program, though sources say this enthusiasm may have been motivated by the armed guards standing just off-camera.
The Future of Non-Fungible Tyranny
Kim remains optimistic. Future plans include a "Dear Leader DAO" where citizens can vote on government policies—provided every vote is a resounding “Yes, Supreme Leader!” There’s also talk of launching a “Stalin Swap” DEX and a "Pyongyang Punks" collection featuring pixel art versions of Kim in various “epic” poses.
Despite the controversy, one thing is certain: Kim has successfully redefined the intersection of oppression and innovation. So, if you’ve ever dreamed of owning a piece of dystopian history—or just want to keep a family off Solana—now’s your chance.
Act fast, because when it comes to NFTs, nothing’s rarer than freedom. #HODLTheKimDream
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